I remember when I was a little girl all I wanted was my prince. I would dress up and dance around as if I was at the ball. I would sing my fairytale songs (some I made up and some repeated from Disney movies). I pictured being married and having my house with the white picket fence. The sun would be shining and I could feel the warmth on my face. I truly believed I was a princess and as an adult I still have that part of me. It has never left me. I still find myself looking in the mirror or washing dishes singing my toons and twirling around. I feel glamorous and stunning. I’m really a girly girl with a mind full of imagination. When I see my daughter now twirling and feeling those wonderful feelings it makes my heart melt. I see a part of me in her. I see that light. I can bond with her and it’s amazing to see the beauty of it all. When she tells me “Mommy I’m a princess”, I say “yes you are”. I really know she believes it. I believe it too. I forever will. Being a princess is not just a fairytale, it’s an attitude. It’s a feeling of ones self. It’s power. It’s creativity. It’s simply a good feeling. It’s all my girly things packaged in this small amazing being. It’s her smile. It’s my heart.
As I get closer and closer to my Birthday, I sit and reflect on many things. The good that has happened and also the bad. I am a thinker by nature. It is in my blood. I do a lot of reflecting on a daily basis. It’s just who I am and I have accepted it and realized it is one of my strengths.
This year has been like a roller coaster and not in the adrenaline like sense. I have lost many of things this year. I’ve hit my ultimate low. I’ve cried more tears than any ocean can hold. But here I sit still surviving and working my way through. You never know just how strong you are until you have passed the storm or sitting and reflecting. I have changed so much in this little bit of time that we call a year. I’ve hid my pain from all those who knew me. I played down my hurt. I smiled even though I was dying inside. I had to wonder do we ever achieve happiness? Do we ever get to a point where it’s okay to breathe?
I’ve seen and been through so much in my years of living on this earth. I’ve also achieved a great deal of things. I am grateful for all those achievements and I privately do victory dances for each. I won’t do so publicly for fear all I have will be taken away. I don’t know why I’m afraid to let others see my happiness. I’ve been like that as long as I can remember.
This year was a game changer , a life changer to say the least. I believe it changed me as a being. Changed my soul. So I will forever have this with me. I go forward a new person. I go forward a better me. A stronger me. More alive than ever. I now know exactly who deserves to be in my life and those who definitely must exit. I no longer feel inferior to anyone. I am who I am and my experiences are my own. I’m not perfect but I am great beyond anyone’s measure.
So this new year I welcome and will feel good to be another year wiser and older. I celebrate my age. I’m excited about it. I have never had this type of excitement before. This year. 365 Days.
I thought you were invincible when I was younger. Like you were a superhero of some kind. Nothing you could do was wrong in my eyes. I saw you in rose colored lenses. No matter how much pain I felt, I still made an excuse for you. I was your biggest fan and supporter. I rooted for you even when you couldn’t do for yourself. You was my king. My first love. My hero, my dad.
I never in a million years would have thought you would throw me away. Like I did something so horrible to you. Whether you meant to or not you showed me what true heartbreak really is. Abandoned is a shallow word compared to how I felt. I cried many of days and nights, so much my soul was in pain. I needed you to rescue me from the hell I was living in and yes I expected you to do so. I grew resentment towards you and others, others who were innocent. My soul died and looking into my eyes you saw nothing. No emotion, no anger, no sadness, no happiness. I hid those parts of me that meant something. I was scared to laugh as that may have been a sign that I forgave you and back then I hadn’t. You couldn’t see that part of me. You couldn’t have that part of me. I clung to your words as if it was all truth. You lied to me. If you didn’t love me how could another person tell me they did. I didn’t believe them either. You may feel justified in your actions and may have forgiven yourself but I had to fight this disease that crept up inside my soul, eating away at my heart, feeding my body drugs and alcohol just to numb the feelings. Forgiving you was so hard to do and never would I have thought of doing so. The thought of my childhood, adolescence, and even parts of my adulthood made me sick. I felt ill everyday. I’ve hurt so many.
I saw pieces of you in me and I hated myself. I had to dig all that ugliness up and throw it away. Away with my past. I had to fight to live. Yet, I still wanted your approval to tell me I am worthy, tell me I am capable of being loved. Tell me I wasn’t garbage and can be easily disposed of. Tell me I’m human. Today there is no hate but I find myself being reminded of the past. Feelings I’ve fought so hard to rid myself of. I’m still on a journey of forgiveness. Forgiving you and forgiving myself. To make sense of it all. I want to find the love again. I want it for myself.
Written By: Kimberly Reynolds
October 14, 2015
There comes a defining moment when it’s time to let go. Let go all the insanity, the hurt feelings, the worry and pain. Sometimes it hurt so bad that you feel like you will never be whole and able again. You cry, you search for answers but the pieces are still broken. All the warmth and love you once felt has burned with all the memories that you’ve cherished. Som
etimes the strength doesn’t come fast enough and you find yourself longing for them again. So you stay.
The pattern, the problems, the distrust returns and you remember why you wanted to leave in the first place. You’re so afraid of change because you’ve been so comfortable with the familiar. You long for love, you dream of the relationship you want and still your feet won’t move. You somehow convinced yourself that mediocre and settling for less is okay. You trick your mind into thinking that what you want is too selfish or your feelings are not valid. The love you have for them goes deeper than yourself, you share seeds that you want to prosper and grow. You battle your temptations because the grass does look mighty green. You vent to deaf ears and empty minds because you’re scared of what any sensible
person would say. You know they would tell you what you already know. The truth.
Written By: Kimberly Reynolds
The only voice I have sometimes is my pen. I can lyrically escape anywhere and feel every emotion through that pen. As soon as it touch the paper it overflows. If only my voice was as loud as that pen. I would leave an everlasting impression. I wouldn’t be invisible.
Written by : Kimberly Reynolds
07/08/2015 9:11 P.M.
I recently came across something on my credit report that said I was deceased. I had to think about that for a moment. Who actually reported on my death. I would like to know exactly how I died. Would have loved to see that funeral. Does anyone else know I’m deceased? I really thought about these things as I was stunned to see this clearly written on my credit report.
I am actually well and very much alive. Just made me a little upset that I’m supposedly dead. Has this happened to anyone else?
I watch him not notice me….I continuously punish myself for his choice.
I absorb all his stress and make it my own.
If only I could save the world for him…then he will know how deep my love really is.
Time is not on my side…I watch it tease me when i see others kissing or holding hands.
I want to freeze him in time.
Let him stand still and I can admire every feature.
If only time didn’t rob him from me.
He would be all mine. For now I will absorb it all.