I thought you were invincible when I was younger. Like you were a superhero of some kind. Nothing you could do was wrong in my eyes. I saw you in rose colored lenses. No matter how much pain I felt, I still made an excuse for you. I was your biggest fan and supporter. I rooted for you even when you couldn’t do for yourself. You was my king. My first love. My hero, my dad.
I never in a million years would have thought you would throw me away. Like I did something so horrible to you. Whether you meant to or not you showed me what true heartbreak really is. Abandoned is a shallow word compared to how I felt. I cried many of days and nights, so much my soul was in pain. I needed you to rescue me from the hell I was living in and yes I expected you to do so. I grew resentment towards you and others, others who were innocent. My soul died and looking into my eyes you saw nothing. No emotion, no anger, no sadness, no happiness. I hid those parts of me that meant something. I was scared to laugh as that may have been a sign that I forgave you and back then I hadn’t. You couldn’t see that part of me. You couldn’t have that part of me. I clung to your words as if it was all truth. You lied to me. If you didn’t love me how could another person tell me they did. I didn’t believe them either. You may feel justified in your actions and may have forgiven yourself but I had to fight this disease that crept up inside my soul, eating away at my heart, feeding my body drugs and alcohol just to numb the feelings. Forgiving you was so hard to do and never would I have thought of doing so. The thought of my childhood, adolescence, and even parts of my adulthood made me sick. I felt ill everyday. I’ve hurt so many.
I saw pieces of you in me and I hated myself. I had to dig all that ugliness up and throw it away. Away with my past. I had to fight to live. Yet, I still wanted your approval to tell me I am worthy, tell me I am capable of being loved. Tell me I wasn’t garbage and can be easily disposed of. Tell me I’m human. Today there is no hate but I find myself being reminded of the past. Feelings I’ve fought so hard to rid myself of. I’m still on a journey of forgiveness. Forgiving you and forgiving myself. To make sense of it all. I want to find the love again. I want it for myself.
Written By: Kimberly Reynolds
October 14, 2015