I remember when I was a little girl all I wanted was my prince. I would dress up and dance around as if I was at the ball. I would sing my fairytale songs (some I made up and some repeated from Disney movies). I pictured being married and having my house with the white picket fence. The sun would be shining and I could feel the warmth on my face. I truly believed I was a princess and as an adult I still have that part of me. It has never left me. I still find myself looking in the mirror or washing dishes singing my toons and twirling around. I feel glamorous and stunning. I’m really a girly girl with a mind full of imagination. When I see my daughter now twirling and feeling those wonderful feelings it makes my heart melt. I see a part of me in her. I see that light. I can bond with her and it’s amazing to see the beauty of it all. When she tells me “Mommy I’m a princess”, I say “yes you are”. I really know she believes it. I believe it too. I forever will. Being a princess is not just a fairytale, it’s an attitude. It’s a feeling of ones self. It’s power. It’s creativity. It’s simply a good feeling. It’s all my girly things packaged in this small amazing being. It’s her smile. It’s my heart.
As I get closer and closer to my Birthday, I sit and reflect on many things. The good that has happened and also the bad. I am a thinker by nature. It is in my blood. I do a lot of reflecting on a daily basis. It’s just who I am and I have accepted it and realized it is one of my strengths.
This year has been like a roller coaster and not in the adrenaline like sense. I have lost many of things this year. I’ve hit my ultimate low. I’ve cried more tears than any ocean can hold. But here I sit still surviving and working my way through. You never know just how strong you are until you have passed the storm or sitting and reflecting. I have changed so much in this little bit of time that we call a year. I’ve hid my pain from all those who knew me. I played down my hurt. I smiled even though I was dying inside. I had to wonder do we ever achieve happiness? Do we ever get to a point where it’s okay to breathe?
I’ve seen and been through so much in my years of living on this earth. I’ve also achieved a great deal of things. I am grateful for all those achievements and I privately do victory dances for each. I won’t do so publicly for fear all I have will be taken away. I don’t know why I’m afraid to let others see my happiness. I’ve been like that as long as I can remember.
This year was a game changer , a life changer to say the least. I believe it changed me as a being. Changed my soul. So I will forever have this with me. I go forward a new person. I go forward a better me. A stronger me. More alive than ever. I now know exactly who deserves to be in my life and those who definitely must exit. I no longer feel inferior to anyone. I am who I am and my experiences are my own. I’m not perfect but I am great beyond anyone’s measure.
So this new year I welcome and will feel good to be another year wiser and older. I celebrate my age. I’m excited about it. I have never had this type of excitement before. This year. 365 Days.
I recently came across something on my credit report that said I was deceased. I had to think about that for a moment. Who actually reported on my death. I would like to know exactly how I died. Would have loved to see that funeral. Does anyone else know I’m deceased? I really thought about these things as I was stunned to see this clearly written on my credit report.
I am actually well and very much alive. Just made me a little upset that I’m supposedly dead. Has this happened to anyone else?
I watch him not notice me….I continuously punish myself for his choice.
I absorb all his stress and make it my own.
If only I could save the world for him…then he will know how deep my love really is.
Time is not on my side…I watch it tease me when i see others kissing or holding hands.
I want to freeze him in time.
Let him stand still and I can admire every feature.
If only time didn’t rob him from me.
He would be all mine. For now I will absorb it all.